Category: Mental Health

Lately

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It’s been a while since I’ve written. Things are much the same. I have resigned (resigned is the wrong word) to life in Fayetteville. It’s been more of an attitude change than anything else. I realized it is a great place to live, I have friends and family here. And, I don’t want to waste my life wondering what will become of it. So… that’s where I am, same job, same house, same car, different attitude. Sortof.

My attitude-adjustment has a lot to do with one of my friends moving back to the area and the possibility for more. We have a delightful business idea that will probably never come to fruition. We want to buy and renovate an old theater and show indie movies and serve adult beverages.

There was a tornado warning the other night. I was so scared I made Robert pile into the bathtub with me, Opal and Wiggles. We sat in there for 20 minutes, listening to the radio, flashlight in hand before I became convinced that it had passed.

I am currently looking forward to taking my beloved boyfriend to my beloved New Orleans. I absolutely cannot wait. I have about 20 restaurants to pack into 9 meals. I think Robert will love it as much as I do. We’re staying with my bestie, Sara in her lovely adult flat. I am counting down the days. 15 days. I have some crash dieting to attend to.

My mom is doing this crazy diet called HCG. It basically tricks your body into thinking that you’re pregnant and in a famine, so it burns fat and you can only eat 500 calories. I told her that’s anorexia, but apparently it’s not. She looks amazing. I’m jealous but too lazy to do anything about it.

Oprah is having a karaoke contest. Last night, Lydia (my friend who just moved back to town) and I dragged our high school friend Chris and our new friend Korey (with a K) to You know Uno. When we arrived, we were the only participants, we sang and sang. I sang “Son of a preacher man”, “The nearness of you” and “Cry me a river”; a duet with Lyd on “I wanna dance with somebody”, “Never gonna get it” and with Chris on “I’ll be there”. I need to add to my repertoire. Lydia sang a stunning rendition of  “And I’m telling you” from dreamgirls. I recorded her on that one, but her camera ran out of memory a verse into it. I guess we’ll have to repeat the performance if we want to submit to the big O.

Winter has come early but life is good. Going to get my boyfriend to retrieve my winter shoes from the attic tonight and eat dinner with some girlfriends. I’m looking forward to it all. I am a sponge.

September is upon us

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An update is in order. I have been following fashion week, as much as possible and am already feeling loathsome about the imposing winter months filled with car-warm-up sessions and perpetual black ice inspections. Nevermind all that, for now as we are still on the brink of autumn and there are many football games, bonfire tinged breezes and luscious boots to enjoy.

Having sworn off tanning forever in early August – after synthetic tanning machines were declared quite as cancer causing as cigarette-smoking – I decided to indulge in a spray tan. The result was really more hilarious than pleasant and an innocent photograph with my beau looked more like a foray into black-face. My dear friend, Sara, has described spray tanning experiences as being quite glamorous, with a nice lady setting up a tent in one’s living room and splashing every nook and cranny of one’s birthday suit with delicious bronze-ness. It was not quite so for myself and I’ve decided to try something new.

Spray Tan

Spray Tan

I’ve been reading in the magazines/blogs lately that fair is in. Maybe they’re girls, much like me, who have sworn off tanning in favor of aging gracefully or maybe they really believe that a little lack of color looks good? Could it be? I’ve thought since I was just a girl of 15 that pale was equal to an unappealing jaundice-like pallor on skin such as mine. I have made a vow to find out. This winter. It helps if you’re thin…

Although I’m not yet “pale”, I haven’t allowed myself sun-time without at least a slather of spf 15 and I’ve plunged into foreign territory. Less is more? For the past week at work, I’ve worn nothing but tinted moisturizer, concealer and mascara. I must admit, I like it. It’s easy, it’s classic and it’s great when paired with bright lips. No promises on whether or not I’ll stick with the less is more policy, but change is always interesting if not fun.

Words to live by

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I recently discovered this quote by the ever-intriguing  Audrey Hepburn. She was the epitome of the “good girl with a wink”.

“I believe in manicures. I believe in overdressing. I believe in primping at leisure and wearing lipstick. I believe in pink. I believe that loving is the best calorie burner. I believe in kissing. I believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls. I believe that tomorrow is another day and I believe in miracles.” Audrey Hepburn

Frustrations. This is a VERY self-involved post.

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So. I just had a birthday, it was nice, a rather uneventful birthday. It got me thinking though, as I do on and off, about what I want to be when I grow up. While I feel like I’m growing in age and hopefully wisdom, I still don’t feel any closer to “living the dream”. Some might consider me to be living the dream already. I am fortunate to have a comfortable job that I’m not afraid of losing  (at this point), loads of beautiful and sweet friends and a main squeeze that makes me smile everyday. I have a yearning though! I want to do something meaningful. I want to see big things and be a part of something I am proud of. I want to have fun everyday and not regret anything.

Today is my 4th day of being twentyfour. In 361 days, I want to be doing something else. Here are some brilliant ideas that would make me very happy:

  • living in New Orleans, down the street from my bestie – Sara – in an adorable shotgun uptown with a large closet, shopping at langensteins and whole foods and drinking pims cups. My beau would be there too, of course. Maybe I could be on the news there? Follow after my trail-blazing mum and be a local celeb. Or, I could work for the Saints and be their party planner? Or I would work in an art gallery and have an interesting and well-read column in the Times Picayune….
  • living in Charleston, Miami, or any beach town, working on my tan and doing something creative (what?).
  • Move abroad. Take any sort of good paying job and see the world. How does one go about finding those?
  • OR, I could move to Dallas, rent a room from my Aunt for a while and join the junior league. I would become a jewelry buyer for Neiman’s or perhaps a museum curator? or maybe just a roller coaster operator for six flags?

I don’t want to be stuck in Fayetteville. I’m still living like a college student with one room to call my own. I rather like it most of the time, I’m not ready to have a mortgage or a marriage. But, as I dive into my mid-twenties, I am craving something more, because, I know I will want that and who knows how soon?

Go back to school? It would have to be something worth the debt…

I’m scared of being someone who had “so much potential” but never lived up to it.

Bosom Buddies

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Friendship is important. Almost anyone would agree. I believe that friendships between women are integral for survival. We are so beautifully different from men (mentally, emotionally, physically) even guy’s girls need their girlfriends every once in a while.

There are many different types of friends. Acquaintances, Friends you see out, work friends, school friends, family friends, old friends, new friends…you get the idea. I say this all as a preface to my main point. A girl needs bosom buddies. A girl needs soul sisters.

I happen to have seven besties that I have come up with through elementary, junior and high school. We’ve remained close even though we all separated after high school. The eight of us fall back into our old shtick as soon as we’re in the same zip code. We don’t talk on the phone everyday, some of us keep in touch more than others, we do have a facebook thread that we keep up with pretty regularly these days (doesn’t facebook make it almost too easy to stay in touch?) but none of that is what sustains us. What I know is, if any one of those seven girls called me and said they needed me, (it has happened) you can bet your bottom dollar I would be there.

There were more of us during the carefree days of high school, while we were still children getting to know each other and fumbling around with ideas of the future. Some have dwindled but the core of us have remained unchanged for nearly six years now. I miss my friends all the time when we are not together, mostly because the bond we have makes me feel relief, comfort and actual euphoria while we are in each others company. Alas, we are growing up and becoming adults, as much as we might try to prolong young adulthood, it is fleeting. Two of our eight are now married women.

This past weekend we all attended and were attendants at the wedding of Fitz. Fitz and I have been friends the longest, since we were eight years old to be exact. While the couple of us have never been what I would call the best of friends, I feel the same way about her that I do the others. It’s the group of us that’s so special. We really couldn’t be more different save being from the same town. I’ve been thinking about these friends the past few days as they’ve all left and gone back to their niches. What’s so fabulous about the fact that we’ve remained friends for so long is that we’ve all seen each other grow up. We were there for one another during all of the firsts of adolescence, the self-absorbed days of college and the frightening unknown of being an “adult” for the first time.

What I’ve realized while reflecting on my bosom buddies, my soul sisters, is that they are as much a part of me as anything intangible can be, I am more myself when I am with them. We bring out the best in each other. I’m not daring to say we have a perfect friendship, we have catty interludes, hurt feelings, missed phone calls and everything that goes along with a relationship. What’s different is actual unconditional love, which is rarely found, thank God I have.

Girls at play

Girls at play

People that Robert and I wanna fight

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  1. Uncle Kracker
  2. The progressive girl
  3. Nancy Grace
  4. Celine Dion
  5. Kid Rock
  6. Miley Cyrus – just me, not R. Apparently, he thinks she’s cute. All the more reason…
We might fight you.

We might fight you.

Grandma Susi

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My wonderful grandmother passed away a few weeks ago. She lost a valiant battle with Alzheimer’s, as sad as we were to lose her, we are all relieved that her suffering is over. She was such a lovely lady and wouldn’t have wanted to see herself that way.

A lot of people had a lot of wonderful things to say about her. Hampton (my bro) and I had the honor of singing a song at the memorial service – Let me call you sweetheart- a song that I remember singing with her when I was very small. She even drove up to play the piano for me to sing it at my 3rd grade talent show. We didn’t include the “secret” version, but I will always think of her and that song.

Let me call you Sweetheart, I’m in love with you.
Let me hear you whisper that you love me too.
Keep the love-light glowing in your eyes so true.
Let me call you Sweetheart, I’m in love with you.

Secret Version:

Let me call you Sweetheart, I’m in love with your machine/ Let me hear you whisper that you’ll buy the gasoline/ Keep the engine turning and both hands upon the wheel/ Let me call you Sweetheart, I’m in love with your automobile!

I’m sure Grandma would have loved to see all of our family together. It has not happened in so long. We recreated a picture from 1985 – see below:

family comparison

She and my Papa wrote a prayer together, it is so beautiful and pertinent. I wanted to share…

“To You, Our Creator, who gave our bodies the need for sustenance

And then provided nourishment from the earth;

Who endowed us with a thirst for knowledge

And then provided a mind with a vast potential for learning;

Who allowed us the ability to appreciate beauty

And then gave us sunsets, art, music and poetry;

Who afforded us a desire for spiritual well-being

And then bestowed upon us a heart capable of friendship, love and gratitude;

Who set us apart from other creatures by allowing us to see beyond ourselves and our families

And then provided limitless opportunities for us to help ourselves by helping others;

Who made us realize that in all lives there are pitfalls and problems

And then permitted us the joy of discovering solutions for them;

Help us to know that we can use our hearts and minds and energies as a force for good

To thank You.”

I am so thankful for my Grandparents and the time my life was blessed with their presence.

With Grandma and Papa 2003