Fall

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I can’t believe summer is ending as it always does, right before my eyes. It has seemed to flutter by without acknowledging me for the past two that I have been employed. This year, I don’t feel like it has really come at all. I know it’s been hot and I’ve been wearing the shit out of some sundresses y’all, but I have yet to step foot onto the beach or even the lake bank. Last summer, I practically lived on the lake and while I thank my lucky stars I’m no longer on that train, I have missed the water and the sun and the slightly tipsy feeling that boat rides and junk food give a person before they’ve even picked up their first wine spritzer.

Even as I am slightly nervous about how my main squeeze’s football fanaticism will affect my social calendar, I am absolutely ecstatic about fall fashion. I’m excited about other things too, like camping and tailgating and fireplaces but what else does Alice in Cubicleland have to look forward to really? Alice = me, in case I confused you there. Still on my stunted path to self-discovery, I’ve allotted myself plenty of time to peruse magazines at work looking for one of my company’s ads to appear (drooling over booties and capes and statement necklaces galore). You see, I am a girl that loves to dress. I love to dress up, I love to dress down, I love to buy dresses…you see where I’m going with this. But, I am not a girl that spends an entire paycheck on a Louis Vuitton bowling bag. I love vintage, I love Target and I like to think that I can make the two work together half the time. My closet is bursting at the seams and needs to be dealt with but today, the thought of it made me smile as I took a jaunt through the September Marie Claire today. For two reasons, first of which – Marie Claire has certainly upped their game! They have pages and pages of fashion, some too expensive, some too bizarre but most are appealing and enticing.  This ties back to my closet in that I already posses quite a few of the items that Marie suggests are staples for fall! Egads! Let’s see, what do I have?

  1. Several pairs of booties, both peep-toe and closed
  2. A glorious 40’s-ish rain trench, purchased off season from TJ Maxx
  3. A fuzzy faux-fur vest – a gift from mom in high school (who knew it’d be so chic?!)
  4. High-waisted trousers, I may need more of these, I do so love how they make my legs look long…
  5. A riding cap
  6. An oversize men’s watch
  7. Red lips, I don’t exactly have them, but they can be applied
  8. Transition dresses with an hour-glass silhouette – may need a few more of these too
  9. Sweaters with sequins (not just for ugly sweater parties anymore, I always knew they’d come around)
  10. Winter white. I just stained the hem of my winter white trousers with my nars multi this morning (they work for summer too!) but am crossing my fingers the trusty dry cleaner can save them and if he can’t WILL WEAR THEM REGARDLESS!

Needed:

More sweaters, flat boots, bangles, vintage – always need more vintage!

http://www.marieclaire.com/fashion/

Frustrations. This is a VERY self-involved post.

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So. I just had a birthday, it was nice, a rather uneventful birthday. It got me thinking though, as I do on and off, about what I want to be when I grow up. While I feel like I’m growing in age and hopefully wisdom, I still don’t feel any closer to “living the dream”. Some might consider me to be living the dream already. I am fortunate to have a comfortable job that I’m not afraid of losing  (at this point), loads of beautiful and sweet friends and a main squeeze that makes me smile everyday. I have a yearning though! I want to do something meaningful. I want to see big things and be a part of something I am proud of. I want to have fun everyday and not regret anything.

Today is my 4th day of being twentyfour. In 361 days, I want to be doing something else. Here are some brilliant ideas that would make me very happy:

  • living in New Orleans, down the street from my bestie – Sara – in an adorable shotgun uptown with a large closet, shopping at langensteins and whole foods and drinking pims cups. My beau would be there too, of course. Maybe I could be on the news there? Follow after my trail-blazing mum and be a local celeb. Or, I could work for the Saints and be their party planner? Or I would work in an art gallery and have an interesting and well-read column in the Times Picayune….
  • living in Charleston, Miami, or any beach town, working on my tan and doing something creative (what?).
  • Move abroad. Take any sort of good paying job and see the world. How does one go about finding those?
  • OR, I could move to Dallas, rent a room from my Aunt for a while and join the junior league. I would become a jewelry buyer for Neiman’s or perhaps a museum curator? or maybe just a roller coaster operator for six flags?

I don’t want to be stuck in Fayetteville. I’m still living like a college student with one room to call my own. I rather like it most of the time, I’m not ready to have a mortgage or a marriage. But, as I dive into my mid-twenties, I am craving something more, because, I know I will want that and who knows how soon?

Go back to school? It would have to be something worth the debt…

I’m scared of being someone who had “so much potential” but never lived up to it.

Gushing…read on at your own risk

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I feel like the luckiest girl in the world. I totally feel like Nellie from South Pacific singing “I’m in love with a wonderful guy”. My boyfriend is quite handsome, the kind of handsome that makes you feel dreamy and intrigued rather than intimidated. He’s not quite aware of the perfect slant of his nose or the charm of his smile. He doesn’t really know how dashing he looks in a crisp suit or that he gets better looking every day. Of course, it only adds to his appeal.

Besides being delicious to look upon, he has an unfailingly sweet heart. He’s easy-going, helpful, generous, respectful, funny…and especially adorable and snugly when sleepy. The thing I like most about him is his open mind. He’ll try almost anything and instead of feeling like a mentor, I feel like I’m discovering new food or places or music with him. Since we started dating, he’s been opposed to dancing with me, having claimed that tall people aren’t meant to move quite that way. I’ve recently gotten the pleasure of encountering these “moves” for myself and I have to say he was wrong. Maybe it’s just that I find him so precious anyway, but I thought he was a delightful dancer. He mostly just shimmies and smiles, but that’s all it really takes right?

He does the dishes and makes the bed. He cooks and reads aloud to me from Harry Potter. He picks me up and takes me on dates. He holds my hand and kisses me in public (when appropriate). He’s kind to my mom and affable with my friends, he’s even tolerant of my bipolar wiener dog. He likes to go out or stay in. Even his fascination with all things SPORTS is endearing because he always includes me and genuinely (in my opinion) wants me around.

I don’t know how anyone could disagree that I’m pretty fortunate to have a person like this in my life. I hope I make him as happy as he makes me…I haven’t gotten any complaints…yet.

Bosom Buddies

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Friendship is important. Almost anyone would agree. I believe that friendships between women are integral for survival. We are so beautifully different from men (mentally, emotionally, physically) even guy’s girls need their girlfriends every once in a while.

There are many different types of friends. Acquaintances, Friends you see out, work friends, school friends, family friends, old friends, new friends…you get the idea. I say this all as a preface to my main point. A girl needs bosom buddies. A girl needs soul sisters.

I happen to have seven besties that I have come up with through elementary, junior and high school. We’ve remained close even though we all separated after high school. The eight of us fall back into our old shtick as soon as we’re in the same zip code. We don’t talk on the phone everyday, some of us keep in touch more than others, we do have a facebook thread that we keep up with pretty regularly these days (doesn’t facebook make it almost too easy to stay in touch?) but none of that is what sustains us. What I know is, if any one of those seven girls called me and said they needed me, (it has happened) you can bet your bottom dollar I would be there.

There were more of us during the carefree days of high school, while we were still children getting to know each other and fumbling around with ideas of the future. Some have dwindled but the core of us have remained unchanged for nearly six years now. I miss my friends all the time when we are not together, mostly because the bond we have makes me feel relief, comfort and actual euphoria while we are in each others company. Alas, we are growing up and becoming adults, as much as we might try to prolong young adulthood, it is fleeting. Two of our eight are now married women.

This past weekend we all attended and were attendants at the wedding of Fitz. Fitz and I have been friends the longest, since we were eight years old to be exact. While the couple of us have never been what I would call the best of friends, I feel the same way about her that I do the others. It’s the group of us that’s so special. We really couldn’t be more different save being from the same town. I’ve been thinking about these friends the past few days as they’ve all left and gone back to their niches. What’s so fabulous about the fact that we’ve remained friends for so long is that we’ve all seen each other grow up. We were there for one another during all of the firsts of adolescence, the self-absorbed days of college and the frightening unknown of being an “adult” for the first time.

What I’ve realized while reflecting on my bosom buddies, my soul sisters, is that they are as much a part of me as anything intangible can be, I am more myself when I am with them. We bring out the best in each other. I’m not daring to say we have a perfect friendship, we have catty interludes, hurt feelings, missed phone calls and everything that goes along with a relationship. What’s different is actual unconditional love, which is rarely found, thank God I have.

Girls at play

Girls at play

People that Robert and I wanna fight

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  1. Uncle Kracker
  2. The progressive girl
  3. Nancy Grace
  4. Celine Dion
  5. Kid Rock
  6. Miley Cyrus – just me, not R. Apparently, he thinks she’s cute. All the more reason…
We might fight you.

We might fight you.

Love. But how do you make it last?

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I loved G. Paltrow’s issue of Goop today. All about love and how to sustain it long term. See below.

I especially enjoyed an excerpt from Kahlil Gibran’s essay on marriage “Love one another, but make not a bond of love: Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls. Fill each other’s cup, but drink not from one cup. Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf. Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone, Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music. Give your hearts, but not into each other’s keeping; For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts. And stand together yet not too near together; For the pillars of the temple stand apart, And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other’s shadow.”

But, the most meaningful bit of the issue came from Cynthia Bourgeault’s sermon for her daughter’s wedding. A new and informative take on the most popular wedding hymn of all time.

I Corinthians 13:

“Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.”

If you understand and recognize what each of these four phrases means and entails, you will be able to practice conscious love in all circumstances of your life.

“Love bears all things…” But this does not mean a dreary sort of “putting up with” or victimization. There are two meanings of the word bear, and they both apply. The first means “to hold up, to sustain” – like a bearing wall, which carries the weight of the house. Love “holds up and sustains.” You might say this is its masculine meaning. Its feminine meaning is this: to bear means “to give birth, to be fruitful.” So love is that which in any situation is the most life-giving and fruitful.

“Love believes all things…” This is the most difficult of the four instructions to understand. I know a very devout Christian lady back in Maine whose husband was philandering and everyone on the island knew it, but she refused to see it because “love believes all things.” But this is not what the words mean. “To believe all things” does not mean to be gullible, to refuse to face up to the truth. Rather, it means that in every possible circumstance of life, there is a higher and lower way of perceiving and acting. There is a way of perceiving that leads to cynicism and divisiveness, a closing off of possibility; and there is a way that leads to higher faith and love, to a higher and more fruitful outcome. To “believe all things” means always orient yourselves toward the highest possible outcome in any situation and strive for its actualization.

“Love hopes all things…” Generally, we think of hope as related to outcome; it is a happy feeling that comes from achieving the desired outcome, as in, “I hope I win the lottery.” But in the practice of conscious love you begin to discover a different kind of hope, a hope that is related not to outcome but to a wellspring…a source of strength, which wells up from deep within you, independent of all outcomes. It is the kind of hope that the prophet Habakkuk speaks of when he says, “Though the fig tree does not blossom and the vines bear no fruit, yet I will rejoice in the Lord.” It is a hope that can never be taken away from you because it is love itself working in you, conferring the strength to stay present to that “highest possible outcome” that can be believed and aspired to.

Finally, “Love endures all things.” But there is only one way to endure. Everything that is tough and brittle shatters; everything that is cynical rots. The only way to endure is to forgive, over and over; to give back that openness and possibility for new beginning, which is the very essence of love itself. And in such a way love comes full circle and can fully “sustain and make fruitful,” and the cycle begins again, at a deeper place. And conscious love deepens and becomes more and more rooted in your marriage.

Love seems to be one of the only human emotions that is shared by all or at least striven for by all. It’s really more than an emotion. In the dictionary, love is listed as a noun. The very first definition is “a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.” Affection doesn’t seem to cover it, really. While I do agree with the dictionary, when I think of love, I imagine partnership, respect, separation anxiety, trust, adoration…

It’s scary as a young person, looking out upon the hopeful years left to live, wishing, praying and pleading for health, wealth and happiness – but most of all love. For what is life, without love? Mostly I’ve been referring to romantic love, but really all types of love between people, familial, friendship, or romantic are integral to our very existence. When I contemplate my future, it’s difficult to trust that I will achieve a love that lasts “until death do us part”. I say that simply because it is so unlikely these days. My parents, like many, divorced when I was quite young. The divorce was difficult, but I can scarcely recall how I felt at that time. In fact, I have less than five memories of my parents together. The divorce was ugly at first and really continued to cut deeper and deeper into the fragile peace of childhood. My dad got angrier by the year. Our relationship is still broken. I don’t mean to blame my parents for my uncertainty about lasting love, I simply want to qualify that when your parents didn’t make it, it is harder to believe that you will. But, I digress.

I feel I’m having trouble getting my point across at this point. However, what I mean to say is that despite the doubt and the obstacles, I seriously, dearly hope that lasting love finds me.

“I believe that love is the answer, I believe that love will find a way.” -Blessed Union of Souls

;)

The Thrills of Summer

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  1. Outdoor concerts, noodling, tents.
  2. Trespassing in parks to swing, chat or be mischievious.
  3. Croakies that float, sparkle and work for any type of water situation.
  4. Flip-flops, especially those that have secret compartments.
  5. Sunsets, starry nights, fireworks: preferably observed in the arms of someone who thinks you’re beautiful.
  6. Suntans: truth is that they actually do make everyone look better. like 10x better.
  7. Firefly, the bug and the vodka.
  8. Sundresses. Dresses with pockets have been around forever, go to any vintage shop worth its chops and you’ll find that out. Why they went away for 30 years is the better question. But – deep breath – they’re back and better than ever.
  9. Chardonnay spritzers, boxed wine, cold beer, champagne, Palomas (silver patron, fresca and lime). I don’t care who you are, sipping cocktails outside when it’s warm is just a lovely feeling.
  10. Leaving work and having 4ish hours of daylight left.
  11. The sweet smell of sweat wafting from your significant other after a walk in the park.
  12. Late-night swims, skinny-dipping, the general weightless feeling of submersion in water.
  13. A plethora of movies in the theater waiting to be seen.
  14. Apertifs (drinks before dinner to stimulate the appetite), dining alfresco, summer foods like mangos, raspberries, crab legs, raw oysters (only in months that include an R, unless you’re quite brave).
  15. Vacation, or even the thought/hope/wish of a spontaneous excursion. Someone whisk me somewhere! I do so love being whisked…
  16. Flowers, greenery, sunglasses, shade, large hats, travel sizes, nail polish – all of these things take on a new meaning in the muggy, breezy, sunny summer. Get out and enjoy.

My buddy!

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Today is my dearest friend Lauren’s birthday. She has decided to grace us with her presence a day early and I couldn’t be more excited to get off work today, squeeze into my bikini (or one-piece, remains to be seen) and pop a few bottles of bub. Lauren is, like me, trying to figure out where her youth is leading her. And luckily, she’s 2 mos older than me! hahah Anyway, congratulations to Lauren for getting her MBA and an adorable English mastiff named Dwight (superman).Lo and D-wight!I love Lauren mostly because she is magnetic. She is someone that I just want to be around. Most people who meet her feel that way. Last night, I had the priviledge of hearing all about Lauren’s conception/birth from her mother (my 2nd mother). It made me appreciate our parents decisions to start families and also highly conscious of time movement. Lauren was born 24 years ago today. It seems like forever to her and to me, because it is our only existence, but to her parents it was not nearly as long. Exhibited by her mother’s unfailing knowledge of every detail. Family is so precious and it’s not limited to blood relatives. Thank God. That is not meant as a sneer to my own blood relatives, which I do love dearly.

Today I feel lucky to have Lauren and several of my other oldest friends in my town to celebrate the impending marriage of our friend Fitz. I have been friends with Fitz the longest, having sat by her on my first school day in Fayetteville, Mrs. Sager’s 3rd grade class. Anyway, Lauren’s family is throwing a fiesta for dearest Fitz and her intended, Goode. They do have first names, but I have chosen to refer to them as I do in real life. I am hap-hap-happiest at Lauren’s family’s house with all of our friends on warm summer nights, drinking wine and singing at the piano. Lauren's living room, typical scene.So, while I am conflicted about my future and my life plans, I do realize I have much to be thankful for. Precious friends + lovely memories = beautiful life.

The art of understanding opportunity

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I really can’t get the hang of consistently updating this blog! I get bogged down with everyday stuff and my own hurdles. But anyway, I’ve decided to devote a few precious moments to you, blog.

What have I been up to? Well… I’ve been spending a lot of time having mono, working, being lazy with my beau, contemplating my future and listening to new music.  I think I’m finally over the mono part. I’m definitely having some sort of strange senioritis/restlessness right now. I am trying to “figure out what I want to do with my life”. I had hoped to figure this out in college, or in the past two years since college, but seem to be more confused than ever.

I definitely want life to be an adventure. And my biggest fear is regret. I watched Yes Man the other night and while I thought it was a completely contrived and ridiculous movie, the saying “yes” to everything part did seem like it could be life changing. More so in a being open to opportunities way rather than actually saying “yes” to every SINGLE question.

I feel that I have a lot to offer, why do I feel that way? Let’s see. What exactly do I have to offer?

To start with, what qualifies me to be good at anything? Hmm, well, I’m bright, I catch on easily to things, I like learning when it suits me, I like getting to know people and figuring out a way to build a mutually beneficial bond. I am pretty goal oriented. I recently realized that I thrive on completing a task, being recognized for it and moving on. The being recognized part is pretty key, because I guess it rules out a lot of charitable causes that I would like to think I’d want to be involved in.

What do I like to do/ be involved in? I like fashion but feel I have much to learn and desperately wish I knew how to draw or sew what I picture in my mind. I love, love, live for music. I am pretty much turned on by discovering new tunes to groove to and sharing them with my pals. I also love to sing, how could I fuse the two? I’m pretty out of practice and the area in which I live offers few opportunities to showcase my “talent”. I’m not the sing in the corner of a bar while no ones listening kind of gal. Maybe that’s lack of drive/motivation right there that’s holding me back?I like to read and write and have proper grammar. Haha I just spelled grammar “grammer”, ironic. I also love to travel, party, relax, eat good food, take photographs, etc. What twenty-something doesn’t? Sounds like my perfect job just came to me… a singing version of the intolerable Samantha Brown from the travel channel. How the hell did she get that job anyway?

There is another side to me. The side that wants to be sensible and secure. The side that wants to stay on the safe side. I think my problem is that side has been overruling the other sides. That part of me feels guilty for any outrageous thoughts including quitting my job to travel the world, moving back to New Orleans, going back to grad school without knowing the outcome (the taking out of multiple loans). That part enjoys living for cheap with a good friend, getting off work at 5pm and having nothing to worry about til7am the next morning. That part is too thankful for the great health insurance, the bi-weekly paycheck, the dinners out, the ability to buy cute-ish clothes and Target and Forever 21, the in general worry free existence to make a move. In fact, the only real worry that consumes me is worrying about my future, worrying about what it is I really want, worrying about what I’ll do if I fall on my face, desperately trying to figure out what I would fall on my face for. I just want to want something! Is that too much to ask?

I really just want to be a model. Unfortunately, I am 5’2″. Seriously, I need some direction and seem to have a blindfold on.